So I have been apartment hunting for about a week and it is getting on my last nerve. My mom only has enough money to pay a bit over 1,000 a month, and she expects me to come up with a 3 bedroom apartment for us to live in. I cannot be upset with her. I see the need for such an apartment, however I am not Jesus.
I was considering how to ease the burden of apartment hunting for myself and for mom, and a few solutions came to mind:
The first was the most obvious, that I should get a job and contribute to the rent. But this is a bad idea, because I plan on going to grad school (possibly), and doing so would involve Mom being left without my few extra dollars. It is difficult for me not to forget all about my dreams of going to graduate school. I know, for what my mom is willing to pay, we will just be moving all of our belongings from one hell hole to the next. It would be even worse on me personally, because I was the one who was given the responsibility to look for the apartment in the first place.
The second option is for me to give up my privacy. I would have to sleep in the living room. That way, I can look for a two bedroom apartment at her given price, and it would be easier. Heck we may even be able to live in a good neighborhood.
But is it fair? I thought going to college was the way out. I would have never guessed that I would be sleeping in the living room. Besides, my sister never completed college. Wouldn't it be more appropriate for her to sleep on the floor? I guess not. Maybe because she pays rent, I feel like the sacrifice lies on my back. I mean, who needs the privacy of their own room anyway? I have stated many times in this blog that I would rather be homeless than live in Soundview, NY. And while I may deserve privacy to read, or get away from my family, it is something I am willing to give up. I shouldn't have to. If there is a God, then maybe his plan for me is unforseen at the moment.
I do not believe there is a God though. At least not an all power thiestic God. If there is then he is a pretty shitty God. I am a good person, I don't harm people, I am nice, and I am intelligent. If there is a God, is he doing this for yucks? If so FUCK him. I would rather chill with Satan and burn in hell. That way I know whose side I am on and what I am getting out of it.
And if he is doing this to test me, then FUCK him. Because my life with a drug addict low life father figure wasn't enough of a test. Because being the first person in my family to go to a 4 year University, and obtaining a degree wasn't enough of a test. Because being able to find love, and hold/cherish it wasn't enough of a test. Fuck him.
And if he is doing this because somewhere deep inside, he believes I deserve it, then FUCK him. I wouldn't want to praise a God who goes around all day passing judgement on people anyway. If he wanted a perfect people, he would have made us perfect. He apparently is a really shitty designer to have made something so sinful as man, who constantly needs to be watched and punished whenever they do something indecent in His eyes. I mean, at least if he could not have made us perfect, we should have received His eyes, to see the world the way He does. Maybe then we wouldn't be so sin prone. Dumb-ass designer. Can't design worth shit.
Which is why I am an atheist now. I insult God because the idea is purposterous. Most people are atheists. When it comes to Thor, or Zeus, or the Flying Spagetti Monster (yes there is a religion for it too!), many people just don't believe. But then they believe in Jesus, or Yahweh, or Allah. It makes no sense. 2 thousand years from now, Jesus, Allah, and Yayweh will be the myths, and a whole new slew of bullshit will be mass produced for the ignorant people to believe in. Sadly, I cannot take it anymore. And if you can't see how I am an atheist, let me put it this way:
You don't believe in Thor, or Zeus, or the Flying Spagetti Monster. You probably don't believe in Fairy's and real live gnomes either. Now take everything you feel for this list I have generated and just make it your "God" further. That is how I feel.
There is no proof of such a God either. Shouldn't the null hypothesis in this situation be that there is no God? People look at me like I am the seed of Satan (or a pedophile murderer) when I tell them I am an atheist. However the impetus shouldn't be that I need to explain why I am an atheist. The impetus should be on them to explain to me their disturbing views on God. And it is disturbing because it is a type of self defeating belief. One that cannot be questioned because it is "Holy". I refuse these ideas. All things must be questioned. I will not be taken for an idiot.
And if you need to reply to this email me here:
jmejia1187@gmail.com
Wow...sounds like you're in a really bad mood compared to your earlier post. Am I to assume that your sister dropped out of college? What will you decide to do about your situation?
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't say dropped out, more like flunked out.
ReplyDeleteWhat will I decide. Well there is no way I am going to tell my mom I am an atheist. She wouldn't understand, but I will tell her about the two bedroom idea. She has no time to sit with me and look at apartments either, and she is pretty short tempered (without reason) which is a bit aggrevating. I need to be passive aggressive to keep my cool sometimes.