Something Wrong

I think there is something wrong with me. I have an overall feeling of disappointment, and I do not know why.

Is it depression? My mother has been depressed in the past and she described it to me as an overall feeling of gloom, immense sadness, and a nagging idea in the back of your head that this is all there is in life and nothing will ever get better. I have one of those feelings. I am not sad, just disappointed. My disappointment doesn't make me happy, but it doesn't make me sad either. Actually, I have been finding it difficult to remember a time when I was happy. I have been to a reptile expo recently, read a few books, played a few games, but the things I used to enjoy don't seem to give me the same pleasure they once gave me. Even my flowering Cattleya is resonating more as a matter of fact, rather than a joyous accomplishment.

A lack of emotion. That's what it is. And a feeling that this is all there is in life. A job that doesn't pay rent, which forces me to remain a prisoner in my mothers house. A lack of social interaction, except for my girlfriend who I see once or twice a week. Other than that I have no friends I actually hang out with. I would hang out with my former roommate, Jonathan Castillo, but he is in Vermont. I called him to let him know how my life is going, which is also out of character for me. I hardly call anyone. Perhaps this basic human need for face to face interaction is taking over my normal introverted personality.

I would call Ernie, but I doubt he would want to here about how badly my life is going. Badly is the wrong word for it. I have a job now, so it is financially a step up from before, when I didn't have any source of income at all. Also, my family is no longer moving, so that is better too. But I still cannot live on my own, and I have become a parasite on my mothers wealth (since she pays rent, and I live with her). And although the living situation is stable, and the 800 dollars I make a month is helpful, I am still disappointed and a bit nostalgic. I wish I could go back to college. In college I was just as broke as I am now, but I was happy. I would give up what I have now to go back in time. Even though it is "better" now, in college I wasn't disappointed. I didn't feel like nothing would change. I had hope. I had something to look forward to. I don't want to call Ernie to burden him with these thoughts. With my disappointment. Ernie is like Donna. I tell them the story of my life, and I can tell they feel bad. I can tell that Donna feels sad when I tell her how I feel, and I can tell Ernie isn't happy with the way my life is going either.

Empathy. When one person is feeling crappy, and he shares his story, the people he shares his story with also feel crappy. Why the hell would we ever evolve something like that? It is like an inter-individual para-neo-psycho syndrome (I came up with that one from paraneoplastic syndrome).

I have given up one of my favorite holidays for this year. I have decided I do not want to celebrate Halloween. It is my favorite, and most costly holiday of the year. I decided not to dress up. And although I have the day off of work, I am not sure I actually want to do anything. I know, I am boring. Last year, I was the Mad Hatter. Memories of me, Donna, and Anja still fill my head. Nostalgia. Sometimes good sometimes bad. If I can't remember good times, I would have no reason to feel disappointed. Nostalgia is like a precursor to my current status. If only there were someway to forget everything. To get a second chance. To let this current life die and be born again.

OH NO. I have stepped away from sanity and crawled myself into a filth ridden hole called religion. I told myself I wouldn't go there. I wont go there. But I need a way out. Medication may help. I should see someone. If not to fill me a prescription for happy pills, maybe I just need someone new, someone fresh to talk to.

I wish I could write more. I have a lot more to say, but my alarm went off, and I am now on my way to work.